Cap Sidorov and his faceted glass (n.f. story)

[I offer a sample of humorous fiction - so to speak, from old memory. Now I live more on Author-Today].



Once upon a time there was a cap Sidorov - a space wolf in the fifth generation. He carried around everywhere with him a faceted glass, inherited from his father, the one from his father, and so on along the family tree. In short, a faceted glass has been a family heirloom for the Sidorov family for a couple of centuries. Here's the cap and dragged it everywhere with him, using it for its intended purpose: he sipped exclusively from this glass, and did not recognize other drinking vessels.



Sidorov was considered one of the best in his profession, so he was sent to the most responsible, life-threatening assignments. But, even risking his life, Sidorov did not lose the family heirloom and did not break it - he did not even think about the possibility of ruining the glass.



Once Sidorov was sent on a dangerous mission: it was required to deliver a plenipotentiary delegation to negotiate with the G'serk race - one of the most belligerent races on our edge of the universe.



The G'serki drove a galactic cruiser to the solar system - the annihilator of the planets, and threatened to destroy the Earth if their demands were not met. The earthlings did not have the technical ability to offer resistance to the g'serks - that is, of course, there was an opportunity, but the chances of survival in the impending slaughter looked so illusory that the earthlings wanted to disperse in peace.



To clarify the requirements of the g'serkov, a plenipotentiary delegation of five people was sent to the galactic cruiser. The composition of the delegation was limited, and Sidorov's cap was included in it as a pilot and an expert: in order to deliver the delegation to the galactic cruiser, at the same time assess the enemy ship for technical equipment - in particular, the presence of a force protective field on the cruiser. There were other, more knowledgeable and responsible people to negotiate with the g'serks.



Having received the general's order, Cap Sidorov saluted, shoved the plenipotentiary delegation into the passenger shuttle - he did not fly to fight, but to deliver passengers to their destination - and made a spatial jump in the direction of the galactic cruiser g'serkov.



We got there normally: the g'serki carefully brought the shuttle that had emerged from space to the opened airlock and let it into it, after which the airlock slammed shut. Sidorov watched with professional interest the actions of alien operators - for this purpose he was included in the plenipotentiary delegation at the negotiations.



The members of the delegation got out of the shuttle, waiting to be taken to negotiations: the g'serki did not fail even here, quickly and politely delivering people to a room adapted for negotiations. On the way, Cap Sidorov noted the peculiarities of alien shipbuilding, coming to the sad conclusion that the cruiser's protective field is practically impenetrable - in general, he did not get bored.



Negotiations began.



The chief among the g'serkov briefly outlined the situation, especially emphasizing that earthlings - if they do not listen to the demands put forward - will not have long, as they say, to smoke the sky.



“We are not afraid of alien threats,” the head of the earthly delegation assured that, judging by his petrified face, it was not true. “At the same time, we prefer to resolve the issue peacefully. What do you want from us?



The chief g'serk began to enumerate demands, entirely political: to protest against the actions of such and such a cosmic civilization, to sign such and such a communiqué, to join such and such a space pact. From the way the face of the head of the earthly delegation was smoothed out in the process of making demands, Sidorov realized that the demands were not excessive, and lost interest in what was happening.



Negotiations were still going on, but the cap was frankly bored - as, indeed, the rest of the members of the delegation who were not involved, were now and then distracted by visiting the buffet and seeing the ship's attractions. In fact, Sidorov wanted to additionally inspect the cruiser for armed systems, but he was not allowed into the weapon compartments. What Sidorov saw from the outside was enough: the space vessel of the G'serkov posed a real danger to the earth's defense.



The negotiations were coming to an end, to mutual agreement and pleasure. The ultimatum put forward by the g'serks turned out to be easily obeyed - the earthlings would have acted in the same way without any coercion - so the sides already intended to hit their hands, if, of course, we can call hands what the g'serks had in the front of the body.



Cap Sidorov, glad that this time there was no shooting, decided to try the galactic treats offered by the G'serks. He took some food from the trays and tasted it.



The dishes of the non-galactic cuisine seemed pleasant to the cap, but too spicy - they needed to drink. The waitress, with a smile on her professionally friendly face - if, of course, you can call a collection of functional organs located in the g's upper torso as a face - held out a glass of refreshing drink. Cap Sidorov took a glass from the waitress, then, following the invariable habit, took out of his pocket a faceted glass, which was always with him, and poured the contents of the glass into the family heirloom. Then he drained the glass to the bottom, nodded his thanks to the waitress and turned to the table at which the negotiations were ending.



The head of the G'serkov, who was signing the peace treaty at that moment, was suddenly distracted. He put the document aside and turned to the head of the earthly delegation:



- There is one more condition that is obligatory for signing. We need that item over there in the hands of one of your colleagues. If we get the item at full disposal, there will be no obstacles to signing the peace treaty, ”and pointed to the faceted glass in the hands of Cap Sidorov.



- Do you need a faceted glass? - the head of the earthly delegation broke into a smile. - What problems? Ivan Sergeevich, - the cap's name was Ivan Sergeevich, - please give our future galactic partners a faceted glass, they liked it extremely.



“I like it better,” said Sidorov, hiding the glass in his pocket.



- Pass the glass to the g'serks, please, - rapped out the head of the earthly delegation.



A civilian, perhaps, would have been frightened by an unambiguously formidable intonation and hastened to fulfill the commanding requirement, but Sidorov's cap was not one of the shy ones, moreover, he had been in so many troubles in his life that he simply forgot how to be scared.



“I won't,” he said briefly.



The head of the earthly delegation, once again petrified in face, turned to the head of the g'serkov:



- We will immediately deliver you a similar faceted glass from the Earth, not even one, but 10 pieces.



In response, I heard that the formidable and invincible civilization of the G'serks needs this glass, this very second, therefore, if earthlings want to keep their extremely fragile planet intact and intact, let them hurry.



The leader of the earthly delegation rose heavily from the negotiating table and walked towards the cap. Having reached Sidorov, the leader stood up on tiptoe - he was a head lower than the cap - and whispered in his ear:



- Why don't you want to give the glass? You see, the g'serki insist.



- Because my great-great-grandfather with this faceted glass went through the Third World War, and my grandfather flew to Proxima.



- Give me the glass, moron! - shouted the leader. “Are you going to unleash a galactic carnage ?!



“I’m not going to unleash the galactic massacre, and I won’t give up the faceted glass,” Sidorov explained logically.



- They will burn the Earth!



Sidorov expressed himself in the sense that his grandmother said in two, besides, let the authorities think about the safety of the Earth, and his business is to follow orders. At the same time, military orders do not apply to personal property of the payroll.



- I am removing you from participation in the delegation.



Sidorov replied that he was purple, and, if the desire arose, he could even now set off on his shuttle to Earth, and let the distinguished delegation get from the galactic cruiser G'sserkov by passing transport.



-… And I demand to give the glass to the g'serk.



- But this will not happen.



The head of the earthly delegation winked at the remaining three members to stand behind Sidorov's back - apparently, he hoped that the assistants would twist the shrew's arms and get a faceted glass during the hostilities - but Sidorov's ironic physiognomy clearly signaled that the devil's plan had been revealed and did not represent for the cap of the slightest threat, rather the opposite. Sidorov would like to look at the people who would risk taking the relic from him: the four slender negotiators did not have the necessary wrestling training to even try.



As a result, the head of the earthly delegation had to give up the idea of ​​getting a glass by force. Confused - it hurt to look at the leader - he turned to the head of the G'serkov to inform him that at the moment it was not possible to transfer this, this very faceted glass into the hands of future galactic partners, but in the very near future the earthlings would take all the necessary measures for the transfer of any number of faceted glasses to the g'serks, which they deem acceptable to resolve the misunderstanding ... et cetera ... et cetera ...



Hearing this, the head of the G'serkov, who had previously dispassionately watched the internal consultations of earthlings, tore up the draft peace treaty with his teeth - if, of course, you can call teeth that protruded from his oral cavity, which could also be called an oral cavity with a fair amount conventions.



The negotiations were concluded, war seemed inevitable, and the Earthlings departed from the galactic cruiser in aloof silence.



Exactly 20 minutes after the arrival of the passenger shuttle to the earth base, the general summoned Sidorov's cap to him.



- I'm waiting for an explanation! The general barked, grinding his teeth.



Sidorov explained that he would not give the faceted glass to anyone, including the general, even the Commander-in-Chief himself: there is no such force in the universe that would force him, Sidorov, to part with his family jewel.



During a conversation with General, Sidorov was armed with a service weapon, therefore it was not recommended to take the faceted glass from him by force, and there were no peaceful opportunities for withdrawal: no court would dare to voice a decision not in favor of the legal owner. And in general, for some time now the faceted glass did not have the same meaning: the g'serki insisted on the immediate transfer of the artifact, and the precious opportunity to settle the matter peacefully was irretrievably lost at the end of the negotiations.



For this reason, Sidorov - no longer a cap, but a warrant officer - met the outbreak of the war as an ordinary space technician on the Luna-11 laser proto-emitter, with an invariable faceted glass in the pocket of his uniform.



The galactic cruiser g'serkov approached the Earth within the range of a combat salvo - the fighters sent to intercept could not even approach the cruiser, surrounded by a powerful protective field. Only a few minutes remained before the outbreak of hostilities and, probably, the death of the planet.



The last hope of the earthlings was to fire a successful salvo at the galactic cruiser from the proto-emitter - before the g'serki fired at the Earth from the annihilation weapon. There was a chance - the range of the Luna-11 proto-emitter exceeded the range of the enemy cannon, but it was scanty: the power of the proto-emitter could not be compared with the protective field of the galactic cruiser. Sidorov suspected that the earthlings would suffer a crushing defeat in the battle with the G'serks, but he diligently followed the orders given to him by the commander - he simply could not do otherwise.



The galactic cruiser G'serkov, intending to take a position for an annihilation shot, approached the Earth and, finally, entered the zone of destruction by the Luna-11 laser proto-emitter.



- The fire! - commanded the commander of the proto-emitter.



There was no pre-shot: with the laser - as usual, at the wrong time - there were technical problems.



- Sidorov, fix the damage to the laser! - ordered the commander. - You have no more than five minutes.



Prapor Sidorov knew as well as the commander: in five minutes the galactic cruiser would come within the range of an annihilation shot, then there would be nothing to defend against the warlike g'sers - the Earth would evaporate. Therefore, the foreman at a run - one might say, with a record sprint speed - rushed into the laser compartment to find and fix the problem.



The problem was discovered immediately, but it turned out to be catastrophic: the diamond used to generate the laser beam cracked in two - it was necessary to forget about a shot at the enemy, at least nominal. Prapor Sidorov could not recall a case when the battle diamond cracked: it was believed that this was technically impossible - at least, without the complete destruction of the space station with the proto-emitter. For this reason, a spare diamond, extremely expensive and difficult to manufacture, was absent on Luna-11: it could be ordered at the Venus Diamond Manufactory and even received in six months, but there was no time left: the galactic cruiser g'serkov was inexorably approaching Earth.



- What is there, Sidorov, what? - the commander of "Luna-11" shouted into the radio.



Then - the last seconds of the established five-minute time went by - ensign Sidorov pulled out a faceted glass from his pocket, breathed on it, wiped it with the sleeve of his uniform and inserted it into the proto-emitter instead of a combat diamond. Sidorov acted completely illogical and reckless - not otherwise than on a whim.



- Done, - reported to the commander.



Then, realizing that he would not hesitate with a proto-shot - it was about the salvation of humanity, no more, no less - ensign Sidorov fell to the metal floor and covered the back of his head with his hands.



A blinding flash followed.



Prapor - no, again, as in the recent past, cap - Sidorov woke up in the burns department of a military hospital. On the nightstand next to the bed stood the family faceted glass, slightly melted on one edge.



A little later, Cap Sidorov learned that a volley from the Luna-11 proto-emitter, made with the help of a faceted glass, inflicted irreparable damage on the galactic cruiser g'serkov, unthinkable with the use of an ordinary battle diamond, namely: the force field that protected the cruiser completely burned out. Thus, the war was won with a single shot.



At the moment, Sidorov's colleagues, fighter pilots, were trying to overtake the fleeing galactic cruiser g'serkov in order to finish off or capture. But in comparison with the main news, these were minor details.