What are boundaries?
Boundaries - the unconditional right to be yourself, to experience your feelings, to want something or not. And broadcast it to others in order to protect their interests, talk about their desires and needs.
Everyone has boundaries - you have them. And the other has. And this means that the other also feels what he feels. And he also has the right to broadcast it.
In Gestalt therapy, there is a wonderful “prayer” by Fritz Perls:
“I am I, and you are YOU.
I do my job and you do yours.
I do not live in this world to live up
to your expectations,
and you do not live to live up to mine.
And if we find each other by accident, that's fine.
If not, it cannot be helped. "
It is she who best reflects what boundaries are.
What are the boundaries?
We can build up rigid boundaries - become distant in relation to the other. Not interested in the feelings and interests of another. For example, a colleague says that the code review is written incorrectly. A person with rigid boundaries in response to this may remain cold and indifferent.
On the contrary, soft boundaries lead us into a merger. The opinions and feelings of the other person seem to become “ours”. For example, a supervisor says to stay at work while the team is working. A person with soft boundaries will accept this position unconditionally. Without asking yourself how he is.
Flexible boundariesimply that we can listen to a colleague. Listen and ask yourself if this is right for us. Broadcast to the boss that they are not ready for processing if they have their own interests.
Here, companies often face counter-arguments:
who will work if everyone has their own interests and boundaries?
but as a team, if the leader starts to go home, but they stay?
It's hard to keep boundaries in any relationship.- and their own, and another. It is especially difficult in the family: loved ones know our pain points and, alas, sometimes they specifically put pressure on them. But keeping boundaries at work is just as difficult. There are many fears here: you can be considered an unpleasant person by refusing to help a colleague, or you can be fired for a careless statement. Working relationships pile up additional questions for ourselves, because our responsibilities to the company and to ourselves are confused.
The concept of “I am a business team” implies: the first thing each of us is responsible for is ourselves . First of all, ask yourself: "How do I like the place where I work?", "The tasks that I do?", "How do I like the team with which I interact?"
I will assume that you are now thinking, "Well, who will work if an employee asks himself such questions?" And what to do if you answer all the questions yourself: “No. I do not like"?
Rebuild boundaries. Somewhere to learn to say "no" to colleagues and the leader. And somewhere to themselves "yes".
The second thing we are responsible for when we work is business... We come to a company to help it earn more. And this only happens when the business grows. Here, discontent may arise that sometimes the tasks set by the business are not pleasant, uninteresting, incomprehensible. We return at this point one step back. Remembering that we are primarily responsible for ourselves. And then we go to business - the second thing we are responsible for is business. Yes, not all tasks are interesting to us, but if we remember why we came to this or that company, this can be a support. If we understand why we came to the company, then it is easier for us to accept this situation as it is.
The third area of ​​responsibility is the team... As part of the business, you are the last to be responsible for the team. And exactly as a part of the business. This means that boundaries are also important in friendship with employees. This means that friendship with employees in order to be a good leader in their eyes entails breaking boundaries. You cannot tell your friend that he is not doing well, for example. Or, give him more interesting tasks than other team members, because he is your friend. If you are an employee, then it is also important for you to remember that responsibility for the team comes in third place. And also as part of the business.
Remember what the flight attendants say - “put the mask on yourself first, then on the child”. There may be concerns that if you take too much care of yourself, your business will start to lose profitability. However, an employee who cares about themselves and their boundaries is less likely to burn out. Less toxic. More loyal to the team and company. He has a desire to be where he is, and not just fear or loss of boundaries, where a person does not see himself without the company where he works. If a person respects the boundaries, his personality is not destroyed under the influence of someone's pressure, and he does not need to spend additional energy to protect himself. We all need a sense of security when an employee respects boundaries, he himself takes care of that nothing threatens him.
What else is important to remember about boundaries?
Rebuilding them is not easy . You have to say no and become uncomfortable for others. We very often want to look good, docile, pleasant, friendly in the eyes of others. And it is the boundaries in some respects that lead to the opposite. However, as you gain your boundaries, the people who try to break them become less important to you. This includes your unconditional right to be yourself. Feel what you feel, do what is good for you. And to accept such a right from another person.
This month, within the PSYvIT community, I'm talking a lot about borders. I publish various kinds of usefulness that are dedicated to this topic. Come if the topic of borders is also important and interesting to you.
Take care of yourself!